The following article is based on an edited transcript of the above video:
“Dear Harry, what is it with people who want to ‘hang out at their place instead of a first date,’ and how do you pull this off? I feel like some people are just able to do this while others don’t. I never actually have. I’ve been on dozens of dates over the last five years and have had some medium-term relationships of around a year.”
I will say many people can’t even get to that. Like plenty of guys get on dating apps. They might get a date. They might get a hookup. They don’t get a relationship because most guys, after one or two dates honestly, start to treat these women like their girlfriends, and it freaks the women out. Then they run away, and then they gotta get back on the dating app. So the fact that you’re even able to get into a relationship? Already kudos, you’re like 85% ahead of most dudes.
“But it always starts off with an actual date, like grabbing drinks. But some of my coworkers and friends seem to just find people on Hinge or Bumble. And instead of going on a formal date, they somehow manage to either get the girl to come to their place or vice versa from the get-go. I even have a dorky friend with very little experience who had a girl just tell him to come over instead of going on a date. But that’s never happened to me, even when I try. They might say they don’t feel comfortable doing that yet and would prefer a different place first. I understand that women are nervous about meeting strangers at a house rather than a common public place, which makes sense. Does that mean the vibe I give off is likely shady or untrustworthy, or… Maybe I just seem like a ‘date’ kind of guy based on my profile and clothes. Most of the girls end up liking me, and we may hook up later. So it’s not like I’m scaring them off, but what’s the difference between a guy who does dates versus hangouts?”
I’ll say this as a generality for the majority of women: most women usually need some kind of date just so they can get out of their own heads about potentially going home with a stranger they don’t know. If they have a few drinks with you after some conversation, they can justify the story of going home with you later when they tell it to their girlfriends. They might say, “I went on a date, I had a couple of drinks, and next thing I know… Oh, I just felt so… and it just came to me… and we were both… And next thing I know…” So that gives them the excuse they need.
But what about the guys who don’t do that? What are they doing? Well, well, I can’t speak for all guys, and I did online dating for quite a few years. There were only a couple of times where I was able to make it happen, where it’s just like, “Hey, come on over,” right? So here are a couple of ways that can happen. I’m going to give you five examples of how this can happen.
The first way to potentially have a “Hey, come hang out at my place” first date – and this is the cheat code – is to do a FaceTime date first.
While talking to her on the app, you can suggest, “Hey, you know what? Let’s do a FaceTime conversation.” During this FaceTime conversation, make it last around 20 to 30 minutes where you’re talking and vibing. This gives her a sense of an in-person date because she can see your face, even though you’re not physically together.
After the FaceTime conversation, you can say, “Hey, I had a great conversation with you on FaceTime. I’d love to talk more in person. I’m just about to make myself a quick dinner. If you want to come over, we can talk and chat.” This approach allows her to feel like she kind of knows you based on the FaceTime interaction, so it’s not like she’s going over to a stranger’s house because she did just talk to you for 30 minutes. That’s one way you can invite a woman to come over.
The second way is to mention things in your conversation on the dating app that would entice them to want to come over.
For example, I recently came across a text exchange between a man and a woman he met on an app where he mentioned, “Hey, I just made some baloney and it’s really tender. I cooked it for three hours.” Unbeknownst to him, that was the excuse that allowed her to say, “I’d love to taste that. Man, if I could come over…”
If you’re talking to a woman on a dating app or on a first date, I highly recommend mentioning things that are in your apartment, house, or place that would entice her or at least give her enough of an excuse to say, “I want to check that out.” In the course of your conversation, you could say, “Oh yeah, I’m a great artist. In fact, I have like four or five paintings that I’ve created, and I have them hanging up in my house. They’ve even won awards. They’re really, really great.” This allows her to express later on, “Oh man, I’d love to see that artwork.” And you can respond, “Hey, well, you know what? If you want to come over, I can give you a short little art show.”
The point is, you’re giving her an excuse. You’re talking about something in your house that she can latch onto and say, “I want to see that. I want to experience that.” If you’re a gamer, you can say, “Hey, you know what? I just got the latest Mario Kart, and there’s a new update with new tracks. I’m looking for somebody to play them with. If you want to come over and have a quick little Mario Kart tournament” – because apparently women love Mario Kart – “we can have a game night. I’ll cook dinner, and we can have fun playing on the TV. No harm, no foul.” Those are the things you can do or say to get women to come over.
The third important thing is to listen for clues that she might actually be interested in coming over to your place for a hookup.
As men, we can be very literal, and sometimes our literalness causes us to miss out on opportunities that women are essentially throwing at us. For example, if you mention, “Yeah, I just got this new package in the mail. It’s this brand new chair,” and she responds with, “Oh, I’d love to see that chair and sit in it,” we might just respond with, “Oh, that’d be cool…” and move on to another topic, completely bypassing the fact that she just hinted, in her own way, “I’m using your chair, dummy, as an excuse to come over to your place.” So pay attention to these cues.
This is why it’s important to learn the language of women and how they express themselves. They won’t always say things the same way men do; they have their own way of communicating. It’s like learning another language. If you familiarize yourself with the language of women, you’ll start to notice opportunities that you thought were never there before. So study up on that, and you’ll find that by simply paying attention to what they’re saying, you can realize, “Oh, they’re actually signaling that they want to come over,” which makes things easier for you.
The fourth way this can happen is by making it clear to her that a hookup doesn’t have to happen when you’re presenting the idea of coming over to your place.
It’s important to avoid giving her the impression that the only reason you’re inviting her over is for a hookup because that can make you come across as desperate, and we want to avoid that, right? Instead, you can say something like, “Hey, I just got Mario Kart with the new wave of tracks. I have food here and a gaming setup. Now, I know it can be weird for a guy to invite a girl over, and I’m not trying to insinuate any kind of hookups. So, I’m just saying it blatantly, it doesn’t have to happen, but I do want to get to know you, and I have games and snacks. What do you say?”
I’ve actually done this before, not with the Mario Kart part, but by saying something like, “Oh hey, I’m making dinner, and I have extra food. We could go out somewhere if you prefer, but if you want to come over, I’ve already made food. So if you want to come over now, you can.” Always make it clear that if she doesn’t want to come over, there’s no pressure, and you can plan another kind of date.
By giving women the option to say no to coming over but making it available, you’re addressing their underlying concern of whether or not you actually want them to come over. If you don’t directly invite them, they might wonder if you’re uncertain or not fully interested. Oftentimes, they’re just waiting for us to say, “Hey, my place is open and available for you to come over.” But when you do say that, ensure that you also communicate that nothing has to happen physically. Express that you genuinely want to get to know her and that she can come over without any pressure for more.
The last way is to set up your dating profile in a way that sparks her interest and makes her already consider wanting to do something with you.
Here’s the thing: if your profile showcases your swagger, provides a glimpse into your lifestyle, and includes prompts that are answered in a humorous manner, you’ll find that women, on their own accord, will think, “Oh yeah, this guy is all about it. I need to do something with him right now.” So it’s crucial to ensure that your profile is set up in such a way. If it’s not, you’ll need to figure out how to improve it.
I offer a program called Smart Digital Dating on my website, www.introvertdatingsuccess.com, which can guide you through the process and help you optimize your profile. Feel free to check out the available programs on the website for more information.
Got a question for Harry? Write me at [email protected]
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