Those of you who follow Hollywood news at all know that actress Aubrey Plaza recently lost her husband, Jeff Baena, a couple of months ago when he took his own life.

At the time, everyone was devastated. A statement was released saying, “We’re devastated by this loss.” But nobody really knew why he had taken his own life, right?

It has now come out that a few months before his passing, Jeff Baena and Aubrey Plaza had separated. She had left him to move to New York, and he was alone and devastated, trying to win her back.

Indeed, the emotional toll a separation or divorce can have on a man is more brutal than is talked about in our society. So, let’s talk about it!

THE REALITIES OF DIVORCE ON MEN’S EMOTIONAL STATE

For men who have never been married — or even dated much — it’s easy early in life to believe, “I just want to find someone and make it work. I’ll be a good partner, and everything will be fine. When tough times come, love will persevere and get us through it.”

That’s how a lot of men enter relationships — thinking that once they’ve secured a woman, married her, and committed to a long-term relationship, nothing can break them apart. Understandably, when reality hits and women leave, it can be very difficult for men to deal with.

I’ve been privy to seeing men close to me experience the pains of divorce. Watching them go through it was incredibly difficult — seeing them depressed, unable to get out of bed, moping around, feeling like their life was over, and dreading having to talk to their families about it.

Many questioned whether they would ever find love again, and their worlds got completely turned upside down. So, I’m not surprised that when Jeff Baena and Aubrey Plaza separated, it took a heavy toll on him.

As a society, we often rally around women during breakups and divorces, making sure they’re okay. Meanwhile, men are expected to handle it on their own because, “He’s a guy. He can handle it. He’s not emotional. He doesn’t have feelings.”

But I’ve seen firsthand that it can be devastating.

Some men, unfortunately, reach a breaking point. The pressure, the blow to their ego, and the realization that they built a life with someone who no longer wants to be in it can be overwhelming.

They think, “I was a good guy. I did everything I was supposed to do. And she still left me.” Logically, it’s a tough thing to grasp: “How could I do everything right and still lose her?”

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING DETACHED IN RELATIONSHIPS

This is why I always emphasize the importance of detaching from outcomes and expectations, especially in romantic relationships.

Some people push back on this idea, saying, “But Harry, if you’re with someone, you should care about them!”

And, for the record, I’ve never ever said you shouldn’t care about the person you’re with, or love them with all your heart. But I do believe that the more attached you are to the belief that your partner must always be with you — and that your life will be ruined without them — the more likely you are to panic, freak out, and spiral into depression when things don’t work out.

I don’t want you to stop caring. I just want you to have a level-headed understanding that everyone in our lives will leave at some point — whether through death or separation.

I learned this early on when I lost my dad at nine years old. No matter how much you love someone, there is no guarantee they’ll be there tomorrow — whether they pass away or simply decide to move on.

And hey, I get it — the sunk cost fallacy is real.

You’ve invested so much time and energy into a relationship, and when it falls apart, it feels like all that effort was for nothing. But you have to learn to separate the two, and understand that while it would be nice if more effort resulted in more loyalty and a desire to stay from your mate, that’s not always reality.

Her rejection isn’t necessarily a reflection of whether or not you tried hard enough; it could just be it’s not appreciated, is something she’s grown out of wanting anymore, or is conflicting with who she is now vs. when you first got together.

DON’T GO THROUGH A DIVORCE ALONE

To be fair, I don’t know the details of Aubrey and Jeff’s marriage. Maybe they fought, maybe he was abusive — who knows? People said he was a nice guy, but that doesn’t always reflect the reality inside a relationship.

Regardless, it’s clear he didn’t take the separation well.

If you’re a man going through a divorce or separation, please, please, please do not go through it alone.

I’ve had friends who went through it, and thank God they had people around them — whether it was me or others — to talk to, to go out to dinner with, or just to be there when they felt depressed.

Men often feel pressure to handle struggles alone, thinking they’re only “real men” if they don’t ask for help. But we’re not built that way.

Humans need connection and support. Sitting alone in your house, day after day, moping and obsessing over your ex, is not a healthy solution. That’s not going to help you recover.

So, figure out who’s in your support circle — friends, family, a therapist. I know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to see past the pain. But I promise you — this too shall pass.

I haven’t been divorced, but I have been in long-term relationships that I thought would last, only to have them end. In those moments, I felt lost — wondering, “What now?”

Thank God I had friends I could visit, crash at their place, talk things through, and just distract myself when needed. And when I was alone, I worked through my emotions and figured out how to move forward.

So, don’t try to handle this alone. Please, for the love of God, reach out to someone.

Whether it’s me, a close friend, or a family member — just don’t go through it in isolation. Because there will be days when you think, “She was my whole world. How do I survive without her?” And in those moments, you won’t have the foresight to see that you will move on and heal, which could result in you doing something harmful to yourself.

WHY WE TAKE BREAK UPS SO HARD & THE KEY TO MOVING FORWARD

Breakups, especially after long-term relationships, are devastating because our brains crave consistency.

Losing someone you’ve been with for years feels like losing a part of yourself — like suddenly missing an arm. But in time — five, seven, ten years from now — you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come.

Many men I know who got divorced eventually found new partners, ones who were an even better match. Their second relationships succeeded where the first failed. You have to be willing to believe in that possibility.

The key is to always work on yourself.

Keep improving, keep striving for what you want in life. There will always be women who respect that. And when you enter new relationships, learn from the past.

Too many guys see a beautiful woman and think, “I’ll make it work, no matter what.” But if she has red flags, if she’s not compatible with you, you can’t just make it work.

Instead, go into relationships thinking, “I‘m going to do the best I can do and I hope it works for her… but if not, that’s okay, there’s always someone else to approach.”

At the end of the day, divorce, breakups, and separations are all learning experiences.

They teach us about ourselves and what we need in a partner. They help us recognize flaws — whether in our personalities or in how we choose partners — so we can improve for the future.

So, if you’re a divorced man reading this, just know: you’re not alone. You’re not the first to go through this. And no matter how tough it seems, you will get through it.

– Harry Wilmington

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