It’s easy to fall into the trap of overanalyzing someone’s behavior when you’re dating. You start noticing actions that confuse or frustrate you, and your mind begins swirling with reasons. You start wondering about their attachment style, digging into their past, and exploring whether their childhood struggles are impacting how they treat you today.
A lot of people do this, including myself in the past. I get why—it feels like if you understand why they’re distant, flaky, or hesitant, you’ll be able to fix it. You’re thinking, “If I just figure it out, things could improve.” But the problem? Knowing why someone acts the way they do won’t make them change.
You Can’t Justify Away Incompatible Behavior
Recently, I had a conversation with a female friend who was dating a guy that started acting distant. He wasn’t planning dates, faded during conversations, and things between them got tense without much explanation. My friend, like so many of us, tried to figure out why. Maybe, she guessed, this guy had an avoidant attachment style, or maybe he hadn’t had much dating experience in the past.
Guys on my channel throw similar questions at me about women they’re dating. They chalk up her distance or reluctance to a rough childhood or emotional baggage. And honestly, I used to be the same way. Years ago, if a woman flaked on a date or closed off emotionally, I’d spend hours analyzing. Maybe, I thought, she never saw a healthy relationship growing up or had trouble with emotional regulation.
But after years of dating, I realized something crucial—you can spend all your time trying to justify their behavior based on reasons from the past, but that doesn’t change what’s happening right now. More importantly, it doesn’t mean their behavior will magically adjust as a result of your understanding.
The Question You Really Need to Ask
So what’s the real question you should be asking yourself? It’s not, “Why is this person acting like this?” It’s, “Can I deal with this behavior long term?”
Let’s take my friend’s example. Her issue was that the guy she was dating refused to plan dates. She was constantly the one making the plans, picking the locations, and coming up with ideas. She thought maybe he was inexperienced or hadn’t dated someone who expected that of him before. But does any of that really matter?
At the end of the day, he might just be someone who doesn’t plan dates. Some women are okay with that because they like to stay in control. But my friend wasn’t cool with it. The real question she needed to face wasn’t why this guy failed to make plans, but whether she could live with someone who wouldn’t put in that effort.
Love Doesn’t Fix Patterns
Here’s where many people get stuck: they think that their love or attention will make someone change. Like, if you figure out the reason for their behavior and focus on “healing” them, they’ll adjust. People convince themselves that they can save someone from their toxic habits or bad traits with love.
I won’t sugarcoat it—this is a bad idea. People have developed their habits, routines, and emotional responses over years. Even if they recognize certain behaviors should change, it doesn’t mean they will, especially if they’ve functioned this way successfully for a long time. Expecting that your love will be the magic fix builds false hope for a different reality than the one in front of you.
I’ll share a personal story. I once tried to date a woman who yelled a lot during arguments. I thought, she had a rough childhood and wasn’t used to being heard, so if I just let her vent more, she’d calm down. Spoiler alert: she didn’t. I could understand why she yelled, but that didn’t make her stop. And her yelling? It didn’t sit right with me. So I had to face the fact that I couldn’t tolerate it long term, no matter how much I tried to rationalize it.
The Hard Truth: People Show You Who They Are Early On
In the early stages of dating—what we call the honeymoon phase—you’ll likely be hopeful. You’ll see all the potential in someone, not just their flaws. You’ll rationalize red flags, convincing yourself that they’ll change or it’s no big deal.
Here’s the truth: people show you who they are pretty early. If something bugs you now, it’s likely going to bug you more in five years. Can you handle their quirks or habits for the long haul? For example, I love going to the movies. If I’m dating someone who hates movies, I need to ask myself, “Do I really want to go to the movies alone all the time? Is that something I can live with?” In my case, the answer is yes. But for others, those small differences can add up and lead to major frustrations or feelings of resentment.
Understand What You Can Handle
Before you get too deep into a relationship, ask yourself some solid questions. Can you handle the things that bug you now? If someone’s actions or attitudes annoy you early on, they probably won’t change. And that’s okay—it’s not necessarily about right or wrong. It’s about compatibility.
Trying to force or guilt someone into changing isn’t just a waste of your time—it’s unfair to both of you. If they have lived their whole life with these behaviors, it’s likely that these things don’t seem wrong to them. What might look like a bad habit to you could just be their normal, and that’s not their problem to fix just to meet your expectations.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, love won’t fix lifelong habits or personality traits. Constantly analyzing someone’s past or trying to explain away their actions isn’t the answer. You need to focus on compatibility and ask yourself, Can I handle this behavior long term? If the answer is no, don’t stick around hoping it will magically change. Be honest about your needs and make decisions accordingly.
So, what do you think? Have you ever managed to successfully “change” a behavior in a partner, or did the reality of their habits eventually catch up? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let’s talk about how to navigate these tricky early dating stages.
If you need more advice, feel free to reach out at [email protected]. Plus, check out the Introvert Dating Success Academy for courses, ebooks, and resources to improve your dating life.
I’ll catch you in the next video. Peace.
Learn more: Introvert Dating Success Academy
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