As a men’s dating coach, my job is to help men navigate the murky waters of dating. I have a YouTube channel, a website — Introvert Dating Success — and a podcast of the of the same name where I dole out advice and answer men’s questions on a daily basis.
What I’ve found to be interesting, though, is the women that follow my content and are legitimately interested in learning about how men think and the issues they go through. Most of the time, comments left by women are insightful, encouraging, and thankful.
That said, there are comments I get from time to time where women will question the legitimacy of what I’m saying — which, by the way, is fine, as I’m always open to having a dialogue in a respectful manner — or chalk up men’s dating difficulties to being intimidated and/or feeling threatened by women who can do for themselves, i.e. the “Independent Woman.”
I read these comments and laugh, and it’s for one simple reason: there IS no such thing as an “Independent Woman.”
Now, I understand what these women are TRYING to say. They’re expressing the idea that the successes they’ve had and the positions they’ve gotten to have been the result of hard work and sacrifices they’ve made without the help of a partner, or oftentimes family.
They’ve learned to live on their own, buy the things they need on their own, pay their bills on their own, and move up the corporate/job ladder using their own thinking. They’ve often had to get advanced degrees by way of studying hard and gaining scholarships on their own, or if they had to pay they worked their butt off making the money to do so.
And all this is before we even get into talking about single moms who, after having a kid and potentially being abandoned by the father, have to juggle all the things previously discussed while trying to raise a child and make sure the kid makes it out of her household alive and sane.
Indeed, it is a lot to bear, and I completely understand. Granted, I’m not a woman, but I grew up under a single mom for most of my life.
When my loving Dad died, I was 9 years old, and my Mom had to take the reigns of the family as a 37-year old widow to raise me and my 7-year old brother. And while it wasn’t always easy, she did the absolute best she could to make sure her kids were emotionally stable and supported in the ways she knew possible.
I bring this last part up because, in spite of my Mom being a solo parent, she would never ever call herself an “independent woman.” It’s a title meant to make a person feel empowered, but the reality is most people — men and women — aren’t truly independent.
In my Mom’s case, she recognized that she had plenty of resources helping her navigate raising us. We had grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to look after us when she needed a break; and there were schools, daycares and babysitters that gave us time to interact with others while she went to work.
Beyond that, though, my Mom always had high respect for the men in her family (i.e. her brothers, her dad, and her granddad) and recognized just how many sacrifices men at large make for women of the world, even if they don’t always recognize it every day or are not directly tied to them.
And this is where I think the disconnect is with modern women today. In the fight to appear independent as though they can take the world on by themselves, they forget that almost EVERYTHING THEY’RE ABLE TO DO IS BECAUSE OF MEN, whether they want to admit it or not.
That “independent” woman who has her own apartment? Men built it. That new car she was able to buy on her own? Men built it. That phone she goes on to access social media and complain about how men are lazy? Men created it. Those island vacations she goes on and paid for by herself? Men built the airport, the airplane, drilled up the gas fuel for it, made the island inhabitable, built the hotel she stayed in, cooked the food she ate, and built the clubs she’s partying at.
The reality is, there is no area of a woman’s life she can experience without a man being involved, whether she realizes it or not.
“But Harry, that’s not true!” a woman may feel compelled to type out as she reads this, on a keyboard or laptop built by… men.
In fact, you may be so mad, you feel compelled to share this article with your friends on your Facebook group (created by Mark Zuckerburg, a man) on your iPhone (created by Steve Jobs, a man) or on Twitter (created by men). You may want to record a whole podcast complaining about it in a studio built by men, on a microphone created by men, or in front of cameras made by men, to then post on YouTube, which was founded by men.
Or, you might go to your job tomorrow (at a building built by men) and complain to your co-workers about this article while sitting at your desk (most likely built by men) before going to your boss (most likely a man) to get your assignments for the day. Then, at some point you’ll go grab a coffee at Starbucks (founded by 3 men) or grab lunch at a fast food place (the majority of which were founded by men).
And then, after a hard day’s work, you’ll be driving home, and maybe you’ll run over a nail and pop a tire. At which point, you’ll call your insurance company to send someone out to help fix your tire, and the person they’ll send will most likely be a man — a man, mind you, who, given his blue collar job, is probably having a hard time on the dating scene because, in spite of his motor skills, he doesn’t make enough money or have a flashy enough job title for most women who consider themself independent to even have on their radar.
I point all this out to say: women who think they are truly independent and “don’t need a man” are lying to themselves because THEY ARE DEPENDENT ON THE SERVICES OF MEN EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THEIR LIVES, even if they don’t realize it.
That’s one of the many reasons men get so annoyed when they hear a woman using that word to describe themselves.
You know why you rarely ever hear a man call himself an “independent man?” Because men respect the services of other men and understand the sacrifces they‘re making for the betterment of society as a whole.
It’s why a high-level corporate guy will have respect for the janitors and the cooks at his company — they know without those men their office building would smell bad and people would be starving. In other words, they are dependent on every man doing their part to make sure things run as smoothly as possible, and there’s respect given to that.
As a whole, men create and do to make women’s lives easier. Now, again, if you’re a woman reading this you may be thinking about that one guy you dated who definitely didn’t make your personal life easy and think, “not ALL men do that…” But as a generalization, men want women to be happy and for their lives to be easy and as stress-free as possible.
That’s why laws get passed making it easier for women to have access to certain financial benefits, or to win custody of their kids more often in divorce cases (even when they’re not actually the better parent), or why there are more scholarships available for women to qualify for in higher education. The list goes on and on and on of the actual benefits men add to women’s life and well-being as a whole.
And the reward for all of that? For many women, it’s to turn around and say they’re “independent” and did it all themselves. And it is a lie.
And guess what, ladies? There’s nothing wrong with admitting you can’t do it all by yourself. NO ONE CAN.
That single mom who claims she’s doing it all by herself? She’s probably getting monies from the government, or having her parents look after the kids while she’s at school studying for a new degree, and that’s FINE. That boss babe who looks like she’s handling everything on her own? There’s a good chance that (a) she hates it, and (b) when she’s stressed she’s going to the gym to work out (with a male trainer) or talking to a therapist (either a male one or on a platform like Better Help, which was founded by a man).
And if you truly feel as though you are “independent” — which again, you’re not — at the very least stop telling men that. As much of a flex as you think it is, it’s really not. Men don’t respect you more for saying it; if anything, it gives the impression you’ll likely be more hard to deal with in a relationship setting.
Plus the reality is, men want to feel needed. It’s what we’re built for. And just because you may not need financial help, that doesn’t mean you won’t eventually need him to show up in other ways.
How do I know this? I’ve dated women who have made way more money than me, but that didn’t stop them from needing my emotional support, or my encouragement, or my actual masculine strength when it came to lifting/moving things, or being a confidant, or presenting them with new ways of thinking about things that resulted in them having more confidence in themselves to go after even higher-paying jobs.
You have to stop thinking of yourself as “independent” or thinking that wanting to be dependent or interdependent on men is a BAD thing.
I’m at the age now where I’ve seen too many women who once considered themselves independent get into their older years and realize just how lonely it is when you don’t have a mate around. When they see other women around them with their husbands celebrating their golden years while they spend most of their time at home wishing someone would come talk to them. When they realize the kids they had that they thought would be around for them when they got older and weaker are out living their lives and don’t always want to go back home to check on them.
Women at those ages don’t talk about wanting to be “independent” or “doing it by themselves” anymore. Instead, they lament about the years they wasted not trying to find somebody, or worse — thinking about all the “good men” they turned away who are either now thriving or found women who were more than satisfied to marry them even if they weren’t always the high-earner or the spouse with the most glamorous job.
In short, being an “independent woman” isn’t a thing you should be aspiring to be. We are beings designed to connect with others and work together, not to do things solo. And if you think that’s what you should aspire to be, I can assure you in your golden years you will be thinking twice about if that was truly a great decision. I wish ill on no one so I hope it works out — but historically and statistically, the odds are not in your favor.
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